4 am knows all my secrets

“The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets.”-  Poppy Z Brite

“The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets.”-  Poppy Z Brite

Whether it is 2 am or 4 am,  these are just vulnerable hours. There are some biological reasons why bedtime can feel harder to manage.  It's possible that during the day it's easier to control our thoughts because our minds are constantly occupied or maybe it's just sheer will power. Apparently our brains lose their capacity for balance and control, especially when you're tired from lack of sleep. This is why it's important to create healthy sleeping habits

We tend to slow down and unwind as we approach the evening. We don't have as many interactions with other people, no deadlines, no pressure etc. Naturally we just unwind before bedtime and  slowing down can make you more aware of the emotions you may have store aside during the day. 

As I reflect more deeply, I am realizing that there are many levels of experience that I have around this. I used to stay up all night just finding myself scrolling on tumblr  just looking at what my friends would categorize as depressing content. I would justify it by saying that I was able to find beauty even in the darkest places. I realized I was procrastinating sleep, staying up later than needed  simply “killing time” in some way – instead of easing right into a good sleep.  

I decided to look into different options to make my vulnerable nights less heavy and build good sleeping habits.  The first thing I like to do is to measure the magnitude of the vulnerability I feel. Is it an indication that I have been ignoring the majority of my feelings? Is it possible that I have some bigger issues that I need to take a look at?  Whether or not I can resolve my uncertainty, it's healthier to acknowledge my feelings and thoughts  so I can accept it in order for me to move forward.   I will also try to incorporate some type of  self care into my evenings.  I would  mark my transition from daytime to evening with a certain ritual lke reading, meditating or even attempt to exercise.  If I find myself pondering existential-type questions like, “what is my purpose in life?”, I write it out in my notepad or phone and promise myself that I will reevaluate them in the daytime when I have the time and energy ( I always use the term sober )  to take an honest look at myself.  If I find myself battling more random or inconsequential thoughts, I come up with some imagery around setting the thoughts aside. 

The mind is a powerful thing and here I am blogging at 4:42 am  after waking up from an intense dream ( apparently creative people work better in late hours ).   My dreams are often incredibly potent, and interestingly enough, I can force myself to wake up from any sleep. I particularly enjoy dreaming because in the last few years I have been experiencing a deep spiritual connection in the dreamworld, I'll save that explanation for another post. But I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night, and a lot.

I’m curious what your experience is of these times of and how you engage them consciously and what supports you in these vulnerable hours?

"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep… People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep.”-Rumi